April 03, 2006 05:35 AM (PST)
***A MORNING WITH FAUX NEWS***
Jack Hannah is on TV right now explaining why an animal called a “KILLER” whale would possibly be aggressive towards a human.
And what do you have to say news ticker?
“…SOLDIER’S DEATHS ARE GOD’S WAY OF PUNISHING THE U.S. FOR IT’S TOLERANCE OF HOMOSEXUALITY…”
Wow… Good point…
Next Story…
The “Snake King”, who “holds the world-record” for living with over 4000 snakes, just died after being bitten by… yep… a big fucking snake.
You can make that stuff up; however, its not nearly as funny until it happens.
Jack Hannah is gonna talk about it after these Girls Gone Wild commercials.
For some reason I feel like fighting random dudes with blunt weapons… weird
Hey, back to our original program, I already forgot what was on… but now I’m interested again because of:
The graphic details of Britney Spears’ vagina, which, was bared to paparazzi for the third time which is the equi)vale..t $ ^ * =sentence missing= * ^ $. 9/-* p.. o think back seven years to a music video called “Oops, I did it again” when Britney Spears’ reluctant-prude/cock-tease image was first cooked-up and marketed to all of us little girls: She was raking in millions | She was wearing clothes | People were paying to see the clothes come of*f. Ye;,B`../ *y`/’*/-…’|r*|¶¬>.E{[£¶P!ç$s~ï¡4¦-,!$@X*los*emore clothes | Then she kissed Madonna on NTV | Then she “lost her virginity” in a publicity move so calculated the Reuters ticker briefly turned pink while the news was breaking. Then, shock, her new album came out. Years later we can see her having sex with her (second) husband on NTV. (Poor George Castanza) Now she’s had 2 kids by three men and FOX News is showing her vagina to 8 million people a second; is she getting a cut? (snicker)
Now a FOX-ism or many:
“…quick action by people who quickly…”
“…is there really more sides to the story?”
“…the “KILLER” whale who attacked his trainer is now back to entertaining children…”
“…who better to set the proper perspective than a business-trained priest?”
“…if you’re outside, you wanna make sure that you’re using, uh, outside, uh, power…”
“…when you’re doing your outside lights, uh, an outside outlet is a good idea…”
“…when you’re hanging your decorations… you know, uh, you wanna be careful…”
(They were demonstrating a christmas light tester; you simply walk along the length of the light strand hovering the testing unit above the lights to find lights that are burnt out… and it only works when the lights are plugged in… are they fucking serious? I wonder if it will be up there with the silent alarm, wireless cable, and roller-backpack…)
“…its not a holiday we’re celebrating but…”
“…is the killer in your back yard? Stay tuned to FOX News.”
***Commercial Time***
Middle-aged Man: “Hi, you’ve probably heard of those so-called ‘male enhancement’ pills on the TV and on the internet…”
Semi-Hot-Slutty Girl Who’s Clearly Done Porno: “Yeah, but its just been revealed that they don’t really do anything, isn’t that right?”
Man :”Yes, in fact, most of these so-called ‘miracle pills’ have been taken off the market completely due to lawsuits, injunctions, and getting shut down by the FDA”
Girl: “Wow, that’s a quite a large deal for such a little disappointment”
Man: “Well you wont have to worry about small disappointments anymore”
Girl: “Oh really? This sounds like it could be a BIG surprise.”
Man: “Well, let me ask you a question: Did you know the average man’s penis is about 11 inches long?”
Girl: “Yeah, duh, of course, in fact, everybody knows that, well, all girls know… girls talk you know…”
Man: “Well there you have it, its a fact.”
Girl: “Mmm-hmm, but something not everybody knows, well, what most men don’t know is that most women don’t even experience any sexual pleasure unless a man’s penis is at least 14 inches long…”
Man: “Wow, so what if your boyfriend has a not-so-average penis, like, 9 inches? Are you saying you don’t get any pleasure whatsoever?”
Girl: “That’s right. In fact, I had a boyfriend who was, lets just say, inadequate… and it was all I could do to keep from laughing when he was… well you know… trying.”
Man: “How inadequate?”
Girl: “Well… a little over 7 and a half inches… eek…”
Man: “Did he even realize he had such a small penis?
Girl: “He had no idea… he thought he was doing really good, but I was faking it because I didn’t want to hurt his little feelings. I am an actress you know.”
Man: “You certainly are, so, that must’ve been really disappointing for you… how did you deal with that?”
Girl: “Well.. all my girlfriends said I should just dump him… yeah, it was that serious… so.. I did.”
Man: “Wow, so all your girlfriends knew he had such a small penis?”
Girl: “Like I said, girls talk about everything… apparently NO guys know that almost every other guy in the world has a HUGE penis… I don’t get it, so let’s spread the word.”
Man: “Well… if there’s any of you fellas out there watching, you just heard it straight from the source… all women talk about size and size is all that matters… “
Girl: “And all us girls know who’s packing and who’s not… you wouldn’t want to get embarrassed in front of a girl when you get ready to screw and you’ve only got a 9 inch penis… she’ll make sure you never get laid by anyone again…”
Man: “Luckily there’s a solution: Dixtendz”
Girl: “Dixtendz is all-natural, scientifically tested, and FDA approved to help you increase your size at least 2 inches in just a week… “
Man: “Don’t get caught coming up short with your pants down…”
Girl: “Dixtendz works… My boyfriend used it twice and he’s got 19 inches… which is just what I need…
Man: “I bet, huh huh…”
***NOW BACK TO THE NEWS THAT MATTERS***
“…in the 60’s, no one cared about whales” - Jack Hannah
I didn’t know that Sea World has health insurance for their animals.
What’s your TERROR SCORE?
I also didn’t know that the NSA has kept a profile on every single person who has flown into, out of, or within the US in the last four years including information about what they eat, which seats they choose, all ticket purchaces (one-way ticket purchaces are worth double points), and all kinds of shit in combination with their criminal record, credit reports, tax information, and compromising photographs of them from college are used to calculate a “TERROR score” which is kept on file for 40 years.
They call it the “Automated Targeting System”. Hmm, subtle.
I don’t feel the love from this one, I just don’t.
Appearently free now means targeted. If anyone has been keeping notes (which will probably be destroyed by the party) the definition of “Freedom” has taken a hard-right into a sycamore tree.
Jack Hannah smokes crack.
In honour of the well grammar uses on FOX News I intentionally spelt Jack Hannah’s name incorrectly; it only has one “H”.
(truthfully, I just don’t knowwhich“H” so I made up a story and put an “H” on each of the ends of “Anna”)
***COMMERCIAL BREAK***
Hey, boobies!
(-:
Dear Public Diary:
So, for Passover next year I think it might be cool to sacrifice a paschal lamb to Bacchus in observance of the return of Demeter from the Underworld… Then, a sodomy festival to appease Hades - perhaps an all-niter!!! Anyone in? RSVP
About me
Wie Mann philosophiert mit ein schönen Schwanze.<Überarbeitete Ausgabe>
